Today I went ice skating. I took my neighbor who is 12 and we went for an hour and a half. I have not skated in about a year and this was his first time.
I had a good time, he is a very nice kid and I enjoy spending time with him.
I have still been having boughts of depression and anxiety. I have started to worry greatly about my therapy sessions and my relationship with my therapist.
I have started to feel bad about my therapy sessions and I am now wondering if this is normal transference or my thoughts and feelings running away from me and making the therapy and the therapist the targets.
My thoughts about therapy are these:
- She is repeating herself
- I am not making progress
- She is angry with me or tired of repeating herself
- She is not compassionate enough about me and my problems
- She does not think my issues are as severe as they are (my head is worse then she thinks)
- I have tuned her out since it is just repetative
- I am no longer being credited for the skills I do have and the training and jobs I have had
- There is a regular assumption that if I think it is a certain way, I am wrong
- My opinions are always wrong
Of course, many of these thoughts or beliefs I have are temporary, non-specific, or just based on short term emotions I am having but I do think at the core of our relationship, I am developing issues.
I think I will have to address this with her and either move on or set myself at ease.
My regular life as become a struggle to get over the constant worry, guilt, and depression that I feel. The theory of many therapies are that your thoughts trigger your feelings. If your thoughts are innacurate or incorect, then your negative feelings are based on errors and can be corrected.
I have negative and painful feelings or emotions and I don’t particularly recognize a thought that is triggering it. There are many situations that I go through that I feel the pain of depression is coming.
I often feel the depression coming on through my throat. It tightens up as if someone is pressing on my adam’s apple. this begins in many situations. If I am feeling a bit anxious and go for a walk, I get depressed because the walk alone is a trigger of loneliness. Sometimes, I like to go to the drug store, that triggers sadness to me because going into the drug store is a reminder or perhaps a flash into my mind of the fact that I am there and it is not a good place. I am in the drug store because I am having mental issues and this alone triggers mental issues.
My therapist is constantly telling me, “that is your complex making you say that/do that/think that/feel that” it is hard because I don’t see a complex, I don’t hear anything, I don’t even have a thought, it is a reaction that is automatic.
I think I will take a break here and make some other posts that cover other issues.